Conflict in the family is inevitable but how can one best manage it? Unlocking ADHD’s webinar “Strengthening relationships between parents and teens” tackled the same question with two panelists: Dr. Dan Shapiro, a developmental behavioural paediatrician, and Breyl Frances, a parenting coach. Participants learnt about the Collaborative Problem-solving (CPS) Model and how to apply it, and had some of their concerns addressed. Unlocking ADHD intern, Davita Ang, summarised the key learnings from the webinar. (Click on the video below to watch the webinar replay)
Empathy is key
Dr. Dan Shapiro first laid the foundation for the CPS Model. He introduced three ways of parenting: Authoritarian (my way), Permissive (your way), and Authoritative (our way). The authoritative approach invites both parent and teen to bring their individual perspective to the table. It emphasised empathy.
Empathy is crucial to youths feeling heard. It is a genuine effort in understanding the youth. However, how empathy is expressed is very important.
Empathetic responses must be individualised and it is also split into two categories – verbal and nonverbal. Which way works better differs from youth to youth
- Examples of verbal responses – “You were really expecting that to go differently” or “That looks hard to do”.
- Examples of nonverbal responses – facial expressions and giving hugs.
Empathy does not always work. Some ways it could fail include actions like not individualising your response or adding “buts”. The latter changes your parenting approach to authoritarian.
Collaborative problem-solving begins with a pause. Pausing is a powerful and one of the most underutilised tools for parents. It shifts part of the responsibility for considering a situation onto the teen’s shoulders. Pausing also allows you to step back and think about what you can do. And yes, people with ADHD can pause too! This is where the CPS model comes in.
The STEPS acronym is a good way to apply the CPS model:
1. Say what the problem is
- Describe the problem factually using the 5Ws 1H
- Avoid using absolutes such as “always, never, nobody, everybody”
- Avoid pessimistic statements
- Use a scale to give nuance to how problematic the issue is
- Both parent and teen give their perspective on the situation
2. Think about all possible solutions
- Key to relationship building
- Do not debate or discuss the solutions
- Consult third party help if needed
- Look at things as they are and consider how you want them to be, motivates change and highlights the discrepancy between both situations
3. Examine each possible solution
- Predict outcomes
- Be realistic about how it will solve the problem
- Use a scale to rate solutions
- Accept each other’s ratings and don’t challenge it
- Mutual respect to build relationships
4. Pick the best solution
- Look for common ground
- Accept compromise
- Parents need to give sometimes to model it for their children
- Often, solutions aren’t perfect
5. See how it works
- Put it into practice
- Most solutions work imperfectly and that’s okay
- Go back to the drawing board
- Give positive feedback to your teen for collaborating
- Sometimes they come up with things parents would never think of
Parenting is a journey
Rounding off the presentation, Dr. Dan Shapiro emphasised on the importance of empathy in relationships. Deliberately find positive actions your teen has done and affirm them. As Breyl said, parenting is a journey, one that will never stop. Parents should keep their own well-being in mind too. Most importantly, you are not parenting alone, lean on others for support.
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